I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I need moral support for this bender
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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