please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
