We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
