Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
