Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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