i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
