it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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