we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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