Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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