I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
ugly people sure do ruin things
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You pole danced in your parka.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
