I love black thongs
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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