Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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