So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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