toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
