For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
