I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
