I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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