I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
