You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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