Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
