Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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