in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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