Already got asked if we're dating
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize