yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
