When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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