His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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