even my farts smell like vagina
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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