I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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