Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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