I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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