OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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