Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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