you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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