Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
