i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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