Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
