I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
