I'm going to rape someone's good day.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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