Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
