____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
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