Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
