I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
