i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
