o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I am spending my child support on dildos
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
