i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
And then he peed in my hair
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