New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
