did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
