I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
