I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
