im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
