I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
