you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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