The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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