I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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