apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
