If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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