These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
