I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
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