so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
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Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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