i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
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He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
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If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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