Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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