you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
